The Tom Brady Boot Conspiracy Theory

I had a revelation last Monday at the computer lab. I had just seen a link on ESPN.com's headlines about how Randy Moss' restraining order would be extended, when it occurred to me:

The Tom Brady Boot is a hoax.

Think about it. Remember how much of a story swirled around Randy Moss when the restraining order got filed? Other than Spygate, it was the biggest distraction to the Patriots this year. How much have you heard about it since TMZ got a shot of Tom Brady walking with a boot in NYC? Exactly.

How about 19-0. Obviously, it's brought up in discussions. But how much of the 72 Dolphins have you seen on TV in the two weeks of Super Bowl hype? How many questions have been asked to Patriots players about it? More questions about it than the injury report? Hell no.

We're talking about the smartest team in football here. A team who's exploitation of the illegal contact rule frustrated the Colts so much that Jim Irsay complained to the NFL and got referees to begin calling the rule more strictly. This is a team who revolutionized the gamesmanship behind injury reports, and helped start the trend of putting a guy between the cameraman and an injured player on the sideline (I was watching a replay of Super Bowl XXXVIII between the Patriots and Panthers the other day, and when they were examining Rodney Harrison on the sideline after his injury - which was a broken arm - Greg Gumbel announces "we've been told that Rodney Harrison will return"). A team who's defensive strategies became so advanced, they were taking footage of other teams' defensive signals during games.

So what better way to eliminate every other possible distraction from the biggest game of your franchise's history than to create the biggest distraction of them all. Tom Brady is perfectly suited to handle the kind of scrutiny of being the centerpiece of the hoax - obviously as the most important player, but also as a two-time Super Bowl MVP who has never once in his career appeared to be rattled by anything.

I mean were you watching the interviews with the team during the height of the Boot news? They were positively comical. Bill Belichick laughed and smirked so much during his press conferences it looked like he had gone absolutely insane. Wes Welker and Donte' Stallworth made identical jokes about replacing Brady as quarterback. It's like the team collectively formed one brain, and together in their massive superbrain they are beyond what any of our mortal brains can comprehend.

So if you're watching the game this Sunday and Brady gets hit low once and becomes gimpy, you can laugh in my face. But if he goes out and puts on another stellar, legendary, "where did that come from?" performance, remember what I said here. It's can be downright scary when the Patriots have two weeks to prepare and zero distractions.

The Pittsburgh Steelers: Laughing Stock of the 90s through the Present

This is a topic I wish I brought up more. The Pittsburgh Steelers are a pathetic franchise. While they are often commended as "old-school", "hard-nosed", "Wonder-Bread Wops", and other out of date phrases - they should be viewed as they truly are: the laughing stock of this era of football.

The one Super Bowl they've won this era can largely be considered a fluke, because

1. They didn't have to play the Patriots in the playoffs
2. They won a game they easily could have (and probably should have and deserved to) lose against the Colts, after the most overrated running back of our generation Jerome Bettis decided to make his one-in-a-thousand fumble in the most crucial moment of his life, followed by a miraculous tackle by Ben Roethlisberger, followed by a Mike Vanderjagt choke-job.
3. They got to go against Jake Plummer in the AFC Championship.
4. They won what is widely considered the worst-officiated Super Bowl that anyone can remember.

Clearly the Steelers Super Bowl win was a fluke, so what else have they done in this era? They got spanked by the 49ers in the other Super Bowl they were in, and every other year they routinely perform well in the regular season and fall apart in the playoffs.

This is a team that talks more trash than anyone else during the season and going into the playoffs, then consistently underperform when it comes time to back up their words. Some memorable Steelers moments:

• Players saying that the Patriots "weren't up to their level" when they ended New England's 21 game win streak in 2003, then were obliterated by the Patriots in the AFC Championship (at home).
• Steelers fans booking flights to New Orleans for Super Bowl 31 before they got beat by the Patriots in the AFC Championship (at home)

Obviously my examples are a little Patriots-skewed, but any non-Steelers fan knows that Pittsburgh is the least threatening team you can go up against in the playoffs (with the exception of a team coached by Marty Schottenheimer).

So why do they get credit for being a top-notch franchise. Look at them for what they are! A pathetic, overrated, trash-talking, bunch of chokers who won a fluke Super Bowl and have never proved anything or are deserving of praise.

I Was Right! (My last post about the Ravens, I promise)

Just thought it was worth mentioning one more time that in this post, which I immediately wrote in a fit of rage following the Ravens' first game of the season, I called Brian Billick a "fucking idiot" and predicted the Ravens (who the previous season had gone 13-3 and were the #1 seed in the AFC) to go 9-7.

While my prediction turned out to be on the generous end, I have to commend myself for picking up on their ineptitude after the first game of the season! And it turns out calling Billick a "fucking idiot" was the smartest thing I've ever blogged here, since he was fired midway through his contract after the season. Go me!