The Rules of Breakfast

"Breakfast is relative."

This was my key argument in a conversation I had with Mike Oshita regarding the rules of what could be considered breakfast, and what could not. We were looking for a place to eat at 10:30, and I referred to our impending meal as "breakfast," which caused his head to explode. But I stood by my definition, and as a result had to expand the details of my rules into what I will now present to you as my official "Rules of Breakfast (and all other meals)".

BREAKFAST

1) Breakfast is Relative

Like I said before, this was my key argument in the disagreement. To me, breakfast isn't determined by McDonald's schedule or what kind of food you eat, it's merely relative to the time you wake up. Therefore:

"Any meal consumed within an hour of waking is considered breakfast."

This rule is true for any type of food. Type of food is irrelevant in this entire post, so it will not be mentioned again. The point of this rule is that even if you wake up at 3, if you eat before 4 that meal is your breakfast.

2) Breakfast hours

In addition to the breakfast is relative rule, early hours meals will also usually be considered breakfast. Rule #2 states:

"Any meal consumed before noon will be considered breakfast."

Exception:
There is one exception to the breakfast hours rule:

I. If you have two meals before noon, and there is at least two hours separating the first and second meals, then the second meal will be considered lunch.

This exception is to accommodate most grade school students, as well as people with jobs that require them to get up early. If these people consume 1 meal before noon, that meal is breakfast. But this exception allows the possibility that they could also have a true lunch before noon, provided it comes two hours after their breakfast. A second meal coming within the two hour window would be considered a "second breakfast" or "brunch".

Breakfast exception #2:
The second breakfast exception is in regards to the breakfast is relative rule. If you wake up and it is already nightfall (this is much easier to do in winter hours), your first meal cannot be considered a breakfast. Now this is where it gets tricky. If you have a meal and are planning on having another meal later, than your first meal is lunch and your second is dinner, even if it comes at midnight. But if you wake up and have a big meal that you intend to be your only meal of the day, then that meal becomes dinner. Any subsequent meals will be referred to as Taco Bell-sponsored "Fourthmeal."

LUNCH

1) Lunch as first meal of the day

It is very easy for lunch to become the first meal of the day, hence lunch rule #1:

"If you do not consume a meal within an hour of waking, your first meal of the day is your lunch."

This rule is pretty simple. For example, I'll often wake up at 11:30, go to work, then before class eat at the Union. Even though it's my first meal of the day, it's my lunch.

Exception:
The Lunch exception is along the same lines as Breakfast Exception #2. If your first meal is not until nightfall, then it might not be your lunch. If you prepare that meal with the thought in mind that you will have another meal later, it's your lunch. But if you prepare that meal as it is your dinner, then it's your dinner. Any subsequent meals are Fourthmeal.

DINNER

Dinner rules are relatively simple, and rely on two situations:

"A meal is considered a dinner if it is consumed after nightfall with no subsequent meal intended, or the third meal of the day."

Like in the previous rules, dinner can be the first or second meal of the day if it is consumed at night with no future meals planned. But dinner can also occur before nightfall, if it is your third meal of the day. This is usually seen among the elderly. And I should admit that sometimes when you prepare a meal at night, you really don't know if you will eat again or not, so you don't know how to classify the meal. This is perfectly fine, sometimes the identity of your meal cannot be determined until the next day.

So there you have it, the official "Rules of Breakfast (and all other meals)." Like any good set of rules, amendments and changes could be added in the future. Leave your comments and suggestions, and they will be considered by the breakfast committee to be added to the official rules. Happy eating everybody!

(UPDATE)
BREAKFAST BILL OF RIGHTS

I told you I would add amendments to this post! I finally encountered one today. It will forever be known as the 1st amendment for the Breakfast Bill of Rights

1) Naps shall not be considered in the Rules of Breakfast.
Trying to take into account naps would complicate the rules of breakfast far too much, and thus they will not be considered. For example, today I woke up at 8:30 am for my radio show, which ran from 9-10. I did not eat anything during this time, and went back to sleep at roughly 11:30 am, then awake again around 3 pm, and ate a sub at about 3:45 pm. This meal is considered my LUNCH - it is as if the nap did not exist.

For clarification purposes, a nap will be considered any slumber that comes at least 2 hours after first awaking, and lasts for over 30 minutes. So if you wake up at 9 am, have a bite to eat, then go back to sleep at 9:30 and wake up at noon and then eat again, that meal is your BREAKFAST. Whatever you ate between 9 and 9:30 is considered a snack.